Encourage One Another

Helping others who are going through difficult times can be challenging for most of us. We want to help, we know that we should help, but we are just not sure how. This dilemma is especially true when the person needing help is suffering from grief or depression or their faith is wavering. What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don’t want me there? What if I make things worse? All these insecurities can prevent us from coming alongside to strengthen and encourage those who are struggling, as we know we ought.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.”¹ The Greek word for “encourage” in this verse is parakaleo. According to Strong’s, the word literally means “to call near” or “to call to one’s side.” Thus, the word implies that we must draw near to encourage someone. Jesus set the example for us. When he saw someone in need, he did not keep his distance. He drew near to them, touched them, and spoke with them.

But how do we do this? How can we help someone who is struggling with their faith, suffering from depression, or living with other severe trials? There is much wisdom available today from those both within and outside the ecclesia who have studied and practiced in this area. Interestingly, when we start looking, we find that the Bible often provides similar advice. These tips can help us have the confidence to reach out and assist others.

When we think of people in the Bible who suffered, our minds often go to the story of Job. Job suffered tremendous loss. He lost his business, all his adult children, and his health. He was miserable, tearing his robe, shaving his head, and sitting in the ashes. His own wife was no help. She, too, was suffering through great loss, and her response was to tell him to “curse God and die.” But Job had three friends who wanted to help him. We often focus on what these three friends did wrong, but in fact, they did some things correctly and can serve as a model for us. Let’s take a closer look at what Job’s friends did right.

Job 2:11 says, “Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him, they came each one from his own place.” This visit is the first thing that they did right. They came. They were present. They likely lived some distance away. It may not have been easy for them to come to see Job, but they did it anyway. When you know someone who is suffering, be available, be present. Don’t stay away because you don’t know what to do or say. Show up. Stay close. Check in regularly. Even if you can’t physically visit their house, you can check in by phone or video. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity,” and chapter 27:10 says, “Do not forsake your own friend or your father’s friend.” We have the example of Jacob’s sons and daughters who “arose to comfort him” when Jacob was mourning the loss of Joseph in Genesis 37:35. Even Jesus needed his disciples close to him when he was suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, asking Peter, James, and John to “remain here and keep watch with me.” (Matthew 26:38).

Reading on in Job 2, we see that his three friends “made an appointment together to come to sympathize with him and comfort him.” (v. 11). The goal of Job’s three friends was to give him sympathy and comfort. This, too, should be our goal. Don’t come to correct or “fix” the problem or to take away their pain. Just be there as someone who will love and support them. It is often best to simply be present and to say little. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says, “So that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” Jonathan provides a good example in 1 Samuel 23:15-16. Jonathan heard that his father was seeking to kill David, and he “arose and went to David at Horesh, and encouraged him in God.”

In Job 2:12, we read that Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar “raised their voices and wept” when they saw Job. Then each one “tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky.” These men were genuinely distressed when they saw Job and openly expressed their feelings in ways typical of their culture. We should also show genuine sympathy. We might not tear our robes or throw dust on our heads, but we can give hugs, hold a hand, and cry with them. Romans 12:15 says that we should “weep with those who weep,” and 1 Corinthians 12:26 says, “If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it.” Jesus wept when he saw the grief of Mary and Martha over the death of Lazarus. Even though he knew he was going to raise Lazarus from death, he saw the grief of others and shared in it.

Job 2:13 says that Job’s three friends “sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.” They didn’t just show up for an hour or two and then leave Job. They stayed. They sat in the ashes with him for an entire week! When you go to help someone in distress, don’t just visit for an hour and then leave, thinking your job is done. Stay if you can. Or come back regularly. Or just call regularly. Keep checking in, even weeks and months after a tragedy. Grief, mental illness, and faith struggles often take time to be resolved and may never fully go away. Even when a person can move on with their life, there will be times when they need extra support and encouragement. Remember to acknowledge milestones such as anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. These are often particularly difficult times.

Proverbs 18:24 says, “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” The Hebrew word for “sticks” here is also found in Deuteronomy 4:4, which says, “But you who held fast to the LORD your God are alive today, every one of you.” A true friend will not fall away but will hold fast or stay close. As Jesus hung from the cross, he instructed the disciple whom he loved to consider Jesus’s mother to be his own mother. John 19:27 says that “from that hour the disciple took her into his own household.” The disciple didn’t just comfort Mary and move on. He took her into his home and cared for her as if she were his own mother.

In Job 2:13, we read that as the three friends sat with Job for seven days and nights, no one spoke a word to him “for they saw that his pain was very great.” Whether they were silent because they didn’t know what to say, because Job’s suffering so impacted them, or for some other reason, they did not feel the need to fill the silence. We don’t have to have the right words to say. Just be a good listener. Sometimes all that is needed is for someone to sit and hold a hand. Be patient. Give the person time. Ecclesiastes 3:7 says that there is “a time to be silent and a time to speak,” and James 1:19 tells us to be “quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”

If you do feel the need to speak, here are some tips about what is helpful and what is not.

• Do say “I am so sorry,” “I can’t imagine how you feel,” “I am here to listen,” “It’s okay not to be okay,” or “I’m here to sit with you and I’m not going anywhere.”
• Ask “How are you feeling today?” or “How are you at this moment?” and encourage them to be open and honest with you.
• If you aren’t sure what to say, it is okay to admit it. “I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you.”
• Share memories (if applicable). Sharing specific, positive memories of a deceased loved one can be very comforting. “I have such a fond memory. Would you like to hear it?”
• Don’t say “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least they are not in pain.”
• Avoid minimizing. Don’t say, “You’re strong, you’ll get through this,” as it can pressure them to hide their pain.
• Avoid comparing your own experience to theirs. Don’t say, “I know how you feel.” Chances are, you might not, since no experience is the same. If they ask to hear your experience, share it; but don’t offer it unless they ask.

Finally, after seven days, Job spoke first. Job 3:1 says that “Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth.” His suffering was so great that he wished he had never been born. He expressed his great grief and frustration. When people are suffering, they may need to vent. Don’t try to correct them. Listen without judgment. Allow them to express anger, sadness, or confusion without trying to “fix” it or offering unsolicited advice. Offer understanding and sympathy. Practice active listening by repeating back what they have said, but keep your words to a minimum.

When Job finished his rant, Eliphaz spoke up. This instance is where Job’s friends went wrong. In Job 4:2, Eliphaz says, “If one ventures a word with you, will you become impatient? But who can refrain from speaking?” Eliphaz became impatient with Job’s comments and could not hold his tongue. He felt the need to correct what he viewed as sinful thinking. What was Job’s response to Eliphaz? In Job 6:14-15, he says, “For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend; so that he does not forsake the fear of the Almighty. My brothers have acted deceitfully like a wadi, like the torrents of wadis which vanish.”

Job needed kindness. He needed compassion. He needed help holding on to his faith. Instead, he got rebuke. Just as a wadi only provides water for a brief time and then dries up, so the comfort from Job’s friends was short-lived. We may also feel the need to correct false thinking, but we need to remember that people say things in their grief and despair that they might not really feel or believe when they can reason more calmly. In Job 6:26, Job says, “Do you intend to reprove my words, when the words of one in despair belong to the wind?” Job recognized he might be saying things he would want to take back later or scatter to the wind. At that moment, he did not need rebuke; he needed understanding. We need to be patient, listen with sympathy, and wait for a better time to correct any wrong thinking, if needed. Even then, we must be careful what we say. Job’s friends were convinced they understood Job’s situation better than he did. But in Job 42:7, God rebukes Eliphaz and says, “My wrath is kindled against you and against your two friends, because you have not spoken of Me what is right.” Their “correct” thinking was, in fact, incorrect. When we rebuke others for false thinking or try to offer advice, we need to make sure we are using sound spiritual wisdom. Elihu was the one friend who waited patiently and thought carefully before responding to Job, and God did not rebuke him for what he said.

It is important to remember that helping those who are grieving or struggling is very difficult and can be a very exhausting task. We also need to take care of ourselves. Job’s friends “made an appointment together to come” and see Job. They realized they needed the support of others as they tried to comfort him. We, too, should seek out support from others as needed. We must also remember to go to God who helps in times of trouble and seek His strength and wisdom. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says,

Jesus did this often, traveling up into the hills to be alone with God in prayer. We, too, should seek God through prayer and reading His word so that He can comfort and strengthen us.

What can we conclude from the story of Job? How can we help those who are struggling with faith, grieving, or suffering mental health issues? Here are some practical tips:

• Sit and listen and empathize.
• Stay with them as long as you are able, and as long as they want you to. Remember to check regularly, even weeks and months later.
• Be patient with someone else’s grief and pain. Don’t try to hurry their healing or put a time limit on their grief. They don’t need encouragement to “move on.”
• Offer to read Scripture together as a source of comfort, but don’t quote Scripture as if that alone will solve the problem.
• Be cautious when offering advice, Scriptural or otherwise. Don’t rush to correct wrong thinking. If and when you do offer advice, make sure it is grounded in Biblical truth.
• Offer to do small tasks like fixing a meal, grocery shopping, driving to appointments, watching children, etc.
• Don’t just say, “Let me know if you need anything.” Offer specific help or ask, “What can I do for you today?”
• Respect their process. There is no one “right” way to grieve. Some people may need more space than others.
• For immediate, intense, or long-lasting trauma, help them find professional counseling or support groups if needed.
• Take care of your own health. Fill yourself with God’s word and spend time in prayer to maintain the energy you need to support someone who’s suffering. It is not helpful if you lose the stamina to keep encouraging them. Seek the help of others as needed.

Helping others who need comfort or encouragement can be challenging, but it is what we are called to do, and it can be very rewarding as you strengthen relationships and share the love of God. Remember to turn to God for strength, encouragement, and wisdom, and He will provide you with what you need.

Jane Hewitson,
Baltimore Ecclesia, MD