How Do You Support Your Wife Spiritually?
For someone who usually has a lot to say, I have found it exceptionally hard to put into words my thoughts on the topic of this article.
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For someone who usually has a lot to say, I have found it exceptionally hard to put into words my thoughts on the topic of this article. When asked if I could write an article on what I did to support my wife spiritually, my initial response was the same as any time I have to talk about myself: one of self-deprecation.
This reaction has actually made it difficult to objectively examine my actions in a way that would make something meaningful for you to read. I doubt anyone reading this wants to hear about how often I fail to be the one who suggests we do the daily readings or how I often mock the idea of listening to a class by saying I don’t want to be yelled at by a particular angry brother. Yet, those shortcomings were all I could think of.
How could I, who was so bad at doing the things we as a community have set as the standard actions to live by, give advice or thoughts that would not sound hypocritical or proud? After many starts and stops and many months, I think where I have landed is that I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but there are some things I get at least a passing grade in, and it’s in those things that I want to focus on.
While I whole-heartedly endorse and encourage you to be the leader in your household who picks up the Bible and gets everyone to do the readings, Bible study, or listen to talks, I am not going to focus on those things because I personally don’t see this as an area that I can give credible advice in.
Instead, I hope to provide an objective look at the qualities I initially overlooked when presented with this question, which I think sometimes we as a community can ignore. To that end, I want to write about leading others by submitting to them. I know, at first, that sounds a little counterintuitive. However, I think it’s one of the pillars that has helped my relationships, not just with my wife but also in the ecclesia. So, to that end, I want first to share what I think leadership by submitting is, and then share some examples I see in my relationship with my wife. Hopefully, in all this, we can grow in our service, not just to our spouses, but to our family and communities and ultimately to our Creator.
First, what do I mean when I say leading by submitting? The idea of submitting to each other is pretty clear in Scripture. I will let you dive into all the verses that talk about submitting, but just these three, Ephesians 5:21, 1 Corinthians 16:16, and 1 Peter 5:5, provide an obvious summary. 1 Peter 5 specifically paints a picture where we must be “clothed in humility towards one another.” In 1 Corinthians 16:16 (NASB), we are told to “be subject to such as these and to everyone who helps in the work and labors.” In Ephesians 5:21(NASB), Paul states, “and subject yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ.”
How do you couple submitting and leading?
So submitting, putting others first and acting humbly towards each other seems like a pretty clear command. But how do you couple that with leading? I found myself often trying to puzzle this concept out, as my father instilled in me the need to lead others and not let them lead you astray. So, how can we do both things, submit to each other, and also lead?
The answer comes in many verses and is found in phrases such as “a soft answer turns away wrath,” (Proverbs 15:1 ESV), in building each other up, in exhorting each other, in having the peace that passes understanding. It’s having the character of Christ, which was rooted in faith and in how we approach this life in meekness and humility. It’s in knowing our weakness and, as I have often sung to myself, knowing that “I could be wrong.”
I would say leading by submitting is being willing to support others and their ideas even when you don’t always think it’s the best way forward. A good example of this from Scripture might be Christ’s ability to work with his apostles, even when their plan forward wasn’t his. For example, Peter cut off Malchus’s ear in the garden. Christ doesn’t stop Peter from bringing a sword or from even striking the servant, but he does heal the servant and rebuke Peter afterward.
Sometimes, it’s the ability to sing backup vocals to someone else’s lead singing that’s needed in life. It is the idea that sometimes our relationships with people are often more important than the outcomes of whatever we are doing; we set aside what we think should happen in preference to how it happens.
I believe this can be hard for some people to do, while it comes naturally for others. I know personally it can be extremely hard to give up my expectation of an outcome in favor of helping someone else in their efforts, but hopefully, we can start to see how this works with some examples specifically from my life and supporting my wife spiritually.
I often find that when it comes to my ecclesial and married life, I am not leading from the front. I have found that if someone else knows what they want to do, I am good at finding the things that support them in their efforts. As an example, Jenny has run multiple Vacation Bible Schools during our marriage, and while I was not present at many of them due to work, I was there in the months and weeks leading up to them. Often, just being the sounding board as she worked through what she wanted to do and how she wanted to do it was all she needed.
This realization has been a long learning process for me because I am naturally a problem solver. So, separating the sounding board from the requests for help hasn’t always been smooth on my part. However, I will say that some of my happiest moments have been seeing what my wife can accomplish when she sets herself to the task and being there to encourage, listen, support, and suggest. It has been a privilege and an area critical to our spiritual growth.
While I might want to take charge in those situations, to tell my wife how I think she should run things or how she should handle situations, I find that frequently all she needs is someone to help her think through the situation, talk through options, and help her organize her thoughts. By no means do I say I always do this, but the times she feels supported the most are when I have been able to give an attentive ear to listen and haven’t just rushed to provide my thoughts or ideas.
This method is also true in ecclesial life. Sometimes, I can be so quick to offer my thoughts and ideas that I miss the need in the ecclesia for someone to merely listen to others, hear their ideas, and provide godly advice.
Another aspect of leading in service comes in the act of anticipating needs. When I have the most helpful impact on others is when I am there to support them before they themselves even know they need it or ask for it. Being able to anticipate the needs of others can be a tricky skill to learn but it has the potential to be the most impactful tool we have to support each other, both spiritually and physically.
For instance, seeing that a craft project will generate a lot of waste, it would be useful to find a trash bag or trash can and start collecting the trash before it becomes a big issue, which can make an enormous difference in how well the craft goes.
There are all sorts of examples of this. Making dinner when you know that the afternoon activities will run late. Providing coffee or tea in the morning to help start the day. Finding the right tool to help finish a job. Showing up or volunteering to transport people before being asked. All it takes is a knowledge of the situation and the person you are working with and a desire to make a difference. These actions can make or break someone’s day or perception of an event.
Just think of all the times when you finish an arduous task only to find all the tools you used now need to be cleaned and put away. How much better is it when you see someone has already started the work cleaning up for you? In these acts of service, of anticipation, we find our best service to each other.
Just consider the parable of the slave and master. When the slave comes in from the field, the master doesn’t tell them to eat, instead instructing them to clothe themselves and feed the master, and then feed themselves. “So you too, when you do all the things which were commanded you, say, ‘We are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done.’” (Luke 17:10 NASB).
This idea brings me to my last point: the impact the simple act of being willing to be the sole provider for my family makes. Before I dive in here, I don’t want you to think that I am saying that the husband has to be the breadwinner or the husband has to be the only breadwinner. I also don’t want you to think I am saying that we have been blessed this way or as if it was my ability or skill that has allowed this. I will say that we made the choice early on in our marriage that we wanted to raise a family where Jenny was at home with the kids and I worked. God has graciously allowed us to continue with that choice for almost sixteen years.
As I considered how I supported my wife spiritually, I think one of the greatest pillars of support, which has probably done the most in allowing her to grow spiritually, has been God blessing us with the ability to have one income to provide for our household. He has allowed that provision to come through me. This situation, in turn, has allowed Jenny to homeschool our children, take them on trips and visits, run and support various VBSs and Bible Schools, and generally do the activities we would consider critical in raising the children God blessed us with. She has grown spiritually as she has led our children through their education, helped others in all sorts of ways physically and spiritually, and worked to support various ecclesial functions.
I certainly don’t think this is the only way to live, and I know other families grow and live in different ways, but I know that this has worked well for us and has helped Jenny grow into the wonderful woman she is today. If you find yourself looking for ways to support your wife and community, sometimes just choosing to go to work every morning, to put the hours in, to make the small choices day after day to build a foundation for your life, that can have a profound impact on your family. Serving others can be as simple as just providing a stable foundation for your family to build and grow from.
Of course, sometimes God does not make it possible for a family to operate as ours has, with the husband as the breadwinner. But that does not take away the husband’s responsibility to support his wife spiritually. If your wife is contributing to the family finances, be proactive in appreciating her efforts. If she comes home from work exhausted, prayerfully look for ways to lighten her load, anticipating her needs as only a husband can. If kids need to be dropped off or picked up or extra chores need to be done, these can all be God-given opportunities for a husband to provide for his family in ways we might not consider at first.
In conclusion, the Bible is full of farmers whose names we don’t know but who we know were faithful. They devoted their lives to God and spent their days tending their crops. It’s okay not to be the big-name speaker traveling all over giving classes, not to be the writer who authors terrific books on Biblical topics, or the missionary out working in other lands. Not all of us are called to do these things.
Sometimes, we just need to be the farmer, trusting in God day in and day out, who tends his field and supports his family. Sometimes, it’s just the simple acts of service that can help us propel others to greater heights and help us grow into vines bearing good fruit. Sometimes, the small steps are the most important, and submitting to others in love can help everyone grow.
It’s in the acts of service that we find the character that Christ asked us to have. As Galatians 5:13 (ESV) says: “For you were called to freedom, brothers and sisters; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but serve one another through love.”
Josiah Hewitson,
Ann Arbor Ecclesia, MI