Psalms for the Night Seasons: Betrayal

When dealing with Betrayal, look to the Psalms for healing. They offer guidance through trust in God, forgiveness, and releasing anger.

Betrayal is one of the most devastating forms of pain we can experience. It cuts into our lives like a knife and creates a deep wound. It leaves us feeling hurt, angry, confused, and isolated. Have you ever been betrayed? Have you ever betrayed someone else? Have you ever found yourself tossing and turning through the night, struggling with the aftermath of a betrayal?

The Psalms demonstrate that betrayal fueled many of David’s night seasons (Psalm 22:2; 16:7). Betrayal created turmoil, intense pain, and sleepless nights. Thankfully, the Psalms also share solutions or “night-lights” that David used to heal from betrayal. God sustained him through these seasons and eventually helped him sleep (Psa 3:5; 4:8). As we explore David’s experiences, they validate our own struggles and help us illuminate and apply David’s solutions.1

David—A Circle of Betrayal

Three Psalms vividly highlight David’s experiences with betrayal. The heading of Psalm 52 informs us that this is “A Psalm of David, when Doeg the Edomite came and told Saul, and said unto him, David is come to the house of Ahimelech.” In 1 Samuel 21, David visits Ahimelech, the High Priest at Nob, while on the run from Saul (v. 7). Doeg the Edomite, Saul’s head shepherd, spots David at the tabernacle and reveals his location. Saul then orders Doeg to kill Ahimelech, eighty-five Levites, and the citizens of Nob as punishment for protecting David (1 Samuel 22:9-22).

If we were in David’s sandals, how would we feel? Surely very betrayed, despite Doeg being our enemy. David accurately describes Doeg as a man who “lovest evil more than good.” (Psalm 52:3).

The heading to Psalm 54 reads: “A Psalm of David, when the Ziphims came and said to Saul, Doth not David hide himself with us?” Twice, we find David hiding from Saul with the Ziphites in the woods of Hachilah (1 Samuel 23:19; 26:1). Like Doeg, they reveal his location to Saul and encourage him to come and capture David. David escapes both times, but the betrayal of the Ziphites must have caused great misery in his life. Unlike Doeg, the Ziphites were from the tribe of Judah and were, therefore, his own countrymen! No wonder David labels them as “strangers” and “oppressors” (Psalm 54:3) instead of helpers, confidants, and relatives.

In Psalm 55, David laments:

David summarizes the events of 2 Samuel 15 when his son Absalom organizes an enormous coup against David, and he is forced to flee Jerusalem with his family to escape certain death. Sadly, as described in this Psalm, Absalom enlists the support of Ahithophel, David’s friend and chief counselor (2 Samuel 16:23). At this news, David weeps bitterly (2 Samuel 15:30-31), and his heart was “sore pained within me.” (Psalm 55:4).

These three Psalms describe David’s painful experiences of betrayal. But it is important to remember that David was also a betrayer. Ahithophel was likely the grandfather of Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11:3; 2 Samuel 23:34). By adultery and murder, David had disgraced both. Ahithophel must have grieved this insult for years and repaid it during Absalom’s coup. In addition, Eliam and Uriah (Bathsheba’s father and husband) were two of David’s top mighty men (2 Samuel 23:34, 39). Both men were traumatically betrayed by David, as were David’s family and the entire nation of Israel.

Understanding Betrayal

It is helpful to understand what betrayal means. The Hebrew word for “betray” is rammah, meaning cast, shoot or hurl down. The Greek word paradidomi means to give into the hand of another. Both describe the trauma we feel when betrayed. We feel like we are thrown down like a piece of trash, shot by a bow or handed over to an enemy.

Betrayal is often defined as a sense of harm experienced from a violation of trust. Trust is a key element in betrayal. We feel terribly “thrown down” because our trust has been violated or destroyed. As a result, betrayal typically triggers feelings of rejection, abandonment, self-doubt, and aloneness. It implies that the betrayer does not hold the relationship in high regard and is acting selfishly.

Betrayal comes in many forms.

Betrayal comes in many forms. It can arise from not feeling prioritized, supported, reciprocated, or remembered. It may involve breaking confidentiality, privacy, or moral standards. We betray when we lie, deceive, gossip, defame, or disclose information to someone else that causes damage. Public humiliation or ridicule, such as on Facebook, other social media, or the workplace, can also evoke feelings of betrayal. Infidelity (i.e., having an affair), absence, disrespect, or even work layoffs also cause us to feel betrayed. Even addictions (alcohol, pornography, drugs) and mental health challenges can leave us feeling betrayed.

The physical, emotional, and mental impacts of betrayal are well-documented and not to be trivialized. When we are betrayed, we may experience guilt, loss of self-esteem, grief, trauma (e.g., PTSD), panic attacks, difficulties trusting, thoughts of suicide, physical pain, nightmares, anxiety and depression and mental disorders. Even denial can be used as a coping mechanism. In severe cases, healing may require professional help from a doctor or therapist.

Night Lights for Betrayal

How do we respond if we feel betrayed?

Psalms 52, 54, and 55 capture David’s experiences with betrayal and some of the “night-lights” or solutions he utilized to illuminate a path of healing and recovery. I have included below six “night lights” from these Psalms.

1) Anger

Each of the Psalms captures the intense anger David felt when betrayed. Phrases such as “Destroy… and divide their tongues” (Psalm 55:9), “let them go down quick into hell” (Psalm 55:15), and “bring them down to the pit of destruction” (Psalm 55:23) are a little shocking. However, betrayal can be wicked, nasty, and extremely hurtful. David’s imprecations indicate his deep upset and desire to create a God-fearing kingdom.

Anger is a God-given emotion. The key is what we do with it. David encourages us to “Be angry, and do not sin, ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.” (Psalm 4:4 ESV), as he demonstrates in these Psalms. Sharing our anger with God can be therapeutic and is a helpful way of processing this emotion healthily. The goal is to release the pressure, refocus our minds, and dispel our anger as soon as possible so that we do not sin and achieve peace in our minds and in our beds at night. God wants to hear our troubles and encourages us to “cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee.” (Psalm 55:22).

2) Space

David’s betrayals forced him to pine for an exit plan. We see this when he cries out: “Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away, and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness.” (Psalm 55:6-7 ESV). Eventually, David acts on his thoughts and flees Jerusalem from the conspiracy of violent men who are about to take the lives of him and his family (2 Samuel 15:15-19; 17:22).

This reaction may seem like escapism, but removing ourselves from a betrayer is often helpful, especially if their behavior is damaging. This space allows tensions to cool, refocus, let the storm pass, heal, and de-escalate. Ultimately, this “space” may also provide opportunities for reconciliation and restoration of the relationship rather than allowing it to erode further.  At times, creating space is imperative, particularly when addictions or abuse threaten our safety.

3) Retaliation

When we are betrayed, it is tempting to take matters into our own hands and retaliate or vindicate ourselves. We may gossip, slander, or even impose the same hurt and pain we felt on our betrayer. David’s solution was very different: “But I call to God, and the LORD will save me… he hears my voice.” “God will break you down forever; he will snatch and tear you from your tent.” “O God, save me by your name, and vindicate me by your might.” (Psalm 55:16-17; Psalm 52:5; Psalm 54:1 ESV). Instead of retaliating or escalating things, he hands the betrayers over to God and lets God deal with them.

David backs up his words with actions. As he scrambles from Jerusalem, he meets Shimei, a relative of Saul. Shimei curses him incessantly and throws dust and rocks at David and his men—a bold betrayal against his king and soldiers! While Abishai threatens to cut off Shimei’s head, David’s response is to hand this treachery to God. His restraint is stunning: “Leave him alone, and let him curse, for the LORD has told him to. It may be that the LORD will look on the wrong done to me, and that the LORD will repay me with good for his cursing today.” (2 Samuel 16:11-12 ESV). When we are betrayed, we can trust that God hears our pleas for help and believe that vengeance and vindication are God’s prerogative despite all we have endured.

4) Tongue

One of the most damaging weapons of betrayal is the tongue! David illustrates this when he describes Ahithophel: “The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart; His words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.” (Psalm 55:21 NKJV). Shimei’s curses were equally violent. Scathing words are also spoken of Doeg: “Your tongue plots destruction, like a sharp razor, you worker of deceit. You love… lying… and all words that devour, O deceitful tongue.” (Psalm 52:2-4 ESV).

Do we do the same with our own tongues? It is quite easy to lash out at our betrayer and be a “razor tongue” like Doeg and Shimei or “double-tongued” like Ahithophel. But David is counseling us to be different than his betrayers. We can easily “slay” others with our words, gossip, or add slander and start fires that burn down relations and even ecclesias.

David also describes how “tongues” were the cause of the “violence, strife… ruin… and fraud.” (Psalm 55:9-11 ESV) that erupted in Jerusalem during Absalom’s coup. Many had joined the betrayal, propagating rumors, lies, and hatred within the walls. Like Jerusalem, do we “join the coup” and speak words and stories against others that are akin to starting a war? Proverbs counsels us with sound advice: “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” (Proverbs 18:13 NKJV). If we are outside of someone else’s betrayal, we must understand the matter thoroughly before speaking—and better yet, not speak at all!

5) Trust

The Psalms use the word “trust” seventy-one times—the most of any book. In Hebrew, this word means to feel safe or confident with and to take refuge or security in. It conveys a sense of intimacy, closeness, and protection. This sense is apparent when the Psalmist uses it several times to describe us as chicks under the shelter of God’s wings (Psalm 36:7; 61:4; 91:4).

Trust lies at the heart of betrayal. David reveals this when he describes Ahithophel’s infidelity: “My companion stretched out his hand against his friends; he violated his covenant..” (Psalm 55:20 ESV). “Even my own close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.” (Psalm 41:9 ESV). In other words, Ahithophel destroyed trust and close friendship by violating promises. Rather than being a source of intimate refuge, David felt like his chief counselor had drop-kicked him!

The Psalms emphasize trust because God wants us to build trusting relations with each other and Him. We often hear the expression, “Just trust me.” However, research shows trust doesn’t generally happen this way. If we want to be trusted, we must prove ourselves trustworthy. In other words, trust is earned. Someone is trustworthy when a) their words can be trusted, b) their actions can be trusted, and c) when their actions match their words. It means we are reliable, have integrity, are sincere, accountable, committed, confidential, consistent, and respect boundaries. Are we trustworthy people? Do we build relationships with trustworthy people? Is our ecclesia a trustworthy refuge where we can be vulnerable with each other?

Trustworthiness also describes God’s character. We want to emulate this trait! If we feel we cannot trust anyone and have been betrayed, the Psalms and David show we can always trust God: “But I will trust in thee.” (Psalm 55:23) “I trust in the mercy of God for ever and ever.” (Psalm 52:8). Are we building our trust in God, who is forever a safe wing to shelter under?

6) Forgiveness

I believe forgiveness is the most important “night-light” to betrayal. Despite Shimei’s unfathomable treatment of David, he later humbles himself, apologizes for his treacherous behavior, and is graciously pardoned by David: “Thou shalt not die.” (2 Samuel 19:18-23). These are the exact words Nathan offered David when he admitted his sin with Bathsheba and Uriah and are a stunning illustration of Christ’s command to “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you.” (Matthew 5:44).

Forgiveness is intentionally letting go of resentment, anger, and hurt. It follows Christ’s commands and example, releases us from the power of bitterness, restores our mental, physical, and spiritual health, and allows us to move forward with peace and hope. It does not require an apology from our betrayer and is not necessarily “forgetting”—lessons may need to be learned, and there may be consequences to the betrayal. It is not the same as reconciliation, though this should be the goal. If we have been betrayed, have we forgiven? If we are the betrayer, have we asked forgiveness from both God and those suffering from our actions?

“One of You Will Betray Me”

Take another look at Psalm 55. Who do these words remind you of? “For it was not an enemy who reproaches me… But it was you, a man my equal, my companion… we took sweet counsel together, and walked to the house of God in the throng.” (Psalm 55:12-14 NKJV). David is describing Ahithophel, but the words are also Messianic. They describe Jesus’s experiences when betrayed by his friend Judas. Jesus had predicted this sad treachery while he shared the Last Supper with his disciples: “One of you shall betray me.” (John 13:21).

Painfully, Jesus knew what it meant to be betrayed by a close friend, even to death! He was also betrayed by other friends, family members, and fellow Jews. Sometimes, we all betray our Lord when we behave in a manner that does not demonstrate our close friendship and love for him.

We experience betrayal, so we intimately know what Jesus experienced during his betrayals. And Jesus experienced betrayal so that he can be “touched with the feelings of our infirmities” (Hebrews 4:15) when we are devastated by betrayal. The Psalms aided Jesus as he responded to his betrayals—just as they can benefit us. They taught Jesus he could trust God completely, that vengeance and retaliation were to be left to God; he held his tongue and shared his pain and agony with God. Ultimately, they taught Jesus what he demonstrated on the cross: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34).

If we are losing sleep because of betrayal, may we, like David and our Lord, be helped through this night season by turning to the light of the Psalms.

Nathan Badger,
Cambridge Ecclesia, ON