Psalms for the Night Seasons

Guilt and shame are connected, but are distinct emotions. Both are painful, but they have been given to us by God.

Guilt and shame are powerful emotions that can derail our sleep. They are profound forces that affect our mental and emotional well-being and our relationship with God and others. Have you ever lain awake and wrestled with intense shame or a sense of guilt from something you’ve said, thought, done, or left undone?

You are not alone! The Psalms show that these feelings were often at the core of David’s troubled night seasons (Psalm 22:2; 16:7). David’s experiences can help us: his turmoil can validate our own experiences, and he frequently offers healthy “night lights” (i.e. solutions) to work through these challenges and restore sleep (Psalm 4:8).¹

David’s Guilt and Shame

Psalm 69 identifies the guilt and shame that gnawed at David. Here he states, “My sins are not hidden from You” (v. 5) and “I have borne reproach, shame has covered my face” (v. 7).² The plight of his Psalm is a mix of personal guilt and shame.

David also uses the word “reproach.” In Hebrew, this word describes similar feelings: disgrace, shame, rebuke, scorn, and defamation. He feels reproach and scorn from others (v. 9), reproach for his own weeping and fasting (v. 10), and reproach, shame, and dishonor from his enemies (v. 19). David reveals that all this reproach has “broken my heart” and left him full of “despair” and void of “comforters” (v. 20 ESV). He felt like “a stranger to my brothers, and an alien to my mother’s children.” (v. 8). Beyond his close associates, he laments: “Those who sit in the gate speak against me,” and “I am the song of drunkards.” (vv. 11-12). How would we feel if we were the subject of drinking songs and being disowned by friends and family?

David’s battle with shame and guilt follows into Psalms 70 and 71. He wishes that the shame he feels could be shifted to those who hurt and shamed him (Psalm 70:2-3) so they are likewise “confounded,” “reproached,” and “dishonoured” (Psalm 71:13)—words that express shame. He also prays that God would “never let me be put to shame.” (Psalm 71:1).

Together, these three psalms highlight the guilt David felt from his personal sins, and the shame he felt for his mistakes, from his enemies and their false accusations. These emotions created an urgency and despondency which is vividly captured in his pleas to God: “I am in trouble; Hear me speedily!” (Psalm 69:17, see also 70:5, 71:12).

What are Guilt and Shame?

Are guilt and shame the same thing? They are connected, but distinct emotions we feel in our brain and body. The following chart shows how they are used in God’s Word and how these meanings are congruent with our modern English:

 

Dr. Brene Brown is a researcher on shame and guilt and provides a helpful summary: “Guilt is holding something we’ve done or failed to do, up against our values [i.e., God’s values] and feeling discomfort. Whereas shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and even unworthy of love, belonging, and connection, because of something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do.”³

Both emotions are painful, but they have been given to us by God. Like any emotion, if we respond to them in a healthy way, they can be helpful. Can you think of instances when you have felt guilt or shame in your own life? How did you respond? Was your reaction healthy or unhealthy?

Shame and The Shame Spiral

It is easy to let guilt and shame go too far. They need to be “checked” in a healthy way. If left unchecked, research suggests that shame is the more devastating of the two emotions and can result in more damaging consequences.⁴

It is helpful to understand the different forms of shame. Appropriate shame is when we have legitimately done something shameful and God deems it shameful (e.g., Romans 1:27; Ephesians 5:12; Colossians 3:8 RV). David felt this shame after his sin with Bathsheba and Uriah (Psalm 51:1-4). Conversely, inappropriate shame is when we have not done anything wrong but feel personal shame or are shamed by others. David experienced this shame when he was falsely accused by his enemies (Psalm 69:4).

Chronic guilt can lead to shame, and unchecked shame can lead to a “Shame Spiral.” The diagram below shows how this downward vortex works through a series of unhealthy thought processes.⁵ Notice how David verges into this spiral when he exclaims, “The waters have come up to my neck,” and “I sink in deep mire… I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.” (Psalm 69:1-2 ESV).

The Shame Spiral

 

If caught in a Shame Spiral, we can experience Toxic Shame. Ordinary shame usually dissipates in a few days, but Toxic Shame is a chronic feeling of worthlessness deep inside of us. It might not be felt constantly, but the moment we are triggered, intense shame can come flooding back repeatedly. The Shame Spiral and Toxic Shame can manifest physically and psychologically, as shown in the chart below. If prolonged, these symptoms can be very damaging to our physical, spiritual, and mental health. Perhaps we have witnessed these in ourselves or a loved one?

 

Mental Health challenges are also closely tied to shame. It can act as the cause and effect of personal addictions (e.g., alcohol, pornography, stealing). In other words, the shame, unworthiness, and self-loathing we feel from trying an unhealthy behavior can cause us to repeat the behavior, lead to deeper shame, and fuel the spiral. For this reason, shaming someone in this spiral does not help them. Shame also lies at the root of certain disorders, such as Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, where personal shame drives self-destructive patterns of behavior towards self and others and often inhibits insight into one’s condition and recovery.

Shame can also negatively impact our mental health and spiritual life when it leads us to cover things up, obscures insight into our own condition, inhibits healthy relations, and causes us not to seek or continue help. It can also lead to “projection” (blaming others for negative things we are doing), shaming others inappropriately, abusing self or others, and even turning to suicide or self-harm as a way out (e.g., Judas in Matthew 27:3-5).

Whether it is our own shame and guilt, or shame and guilt we may heap on others, God did not intend anyone to drown in shame and guilt. In this state, it is difficult for God to work with us and for us to work on ourselves.

Night Lights for Guilt and Shame

How did David work through his “night seasons” of guilt and shame in a healthy way? When we are surrounded by the darkness and seriousness of these emotions, they should compel us to open the Psalms and allow David’s “night lights” to illuminate a path forward. I believe David offers at least these “Four ‘Cs” in Psalms 69-71.

Courage

The word “courage” originally meant “to speak one’s mind by telling all of one’s heart.”⁶ It spoke of being vulnerable, honest, open, and willing to put ourselves on a limb and expose our fears and mistakes. This meaning is almost the opposite of the “heroism” this word reflects today.

David illustrates his courage many times in the Psalms by open admissions that he is a sinful man and that he can’t hide anything from God: “You know my foolishness; And my sins are not hidden from you.” (Psalm 69:5). He also shares his emotions, human weakness, and fears: “I am weary with my crying; My throat is dry; My eyes fail.” (Psalm 69:3); “I am in trouble.” (Psalm 69:17). Rather than hide his humanity, or enter a spiral of toxic shame, David places it in full view for God and others to see.

It takes a lot to own and tell our story, to share our plight and admit our weaknesses with God and others. Yet, this lays the groundwork for moving out of the spiral and progressing forward, as David did. When we are courageous and open ourselves to God and others, we can healthily address guilt and shame. It stops us from drowning. Courage erodes the very foundation on which these emotions are built. Vulnerability is a type of courage. “Vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. But vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage”⁷ 

Do we practice being vulnerable with our struggles (James 5:16)? And do we embrace confidentiality to help others with this challenge? Lack of confidentiality is a courage-killer. If someone has made themselves vulnerable to us, it is not our job to break that trust and share it with others. How much less vulnerable would our relations, ecclesias and community be if we respected confidentiality and practiced a culture of courage?

Connections

David appeals to God with expressions such as: “My prayer is to You, O LORD… Hear me in the truth of Your salvation,” (Psalm 69:13) and “Turn to me… Do not hide Your face from Your servant… Draw near to my soul.” (Psalm 69:16-18).

What lies at the root of these appeals? David longs for an intimate connection with God, one he had developed “from my youth.” (Psalm 71:5). Years later, as he churned with guilt and shame, he knew this connection was a lifeline and humbly appeals that God “not cast me off in the time of old age.” (Psalm 71:9).

Connection is the energy that exists between people, or people and God, when they feel seen, heard, and valued. Connection exists when we can freely give and receive energy and strength from a relationship. It is the opposite of “going it alone” or “I’ve got it.” Connections are a key antidote to shame and unchecked guilt. By connecting, we counter the feelings of being alone and free-falling into toxic shame. Connections provide us with people and outlets to share our troubles, understand that we are not alone, correct our perspective, find trusting ears and advice, and seek unwavering support and unconditional love.

But connections take work and do not occur in a void. Especially if our actions have damaged the connection. Connection requires “a path of conscious choice—the willingness to tell our stories, feel the pain of others, and stay genuinely connected in this disconnected world. This action is not something we can do half-heartedly!”⁸

David spent many hours proactively connecting with God through prayer, song, and meditation, as evidenced throughout the Psalms. While he evaded Saul as a fugitive, he connected with 400 men and his family in the Cave of Adullam to form a motley crew, all struggling with shame, guilt, and other distresses (1 Samuel 22:1-2). These cave connections answered David’s prayers but took great effort to nurture. Ultimately, they helped raise David and other “cavers” out of the spiral they were facing, just as they can elevate us from our own darkness. Are we actively seeking and practicing meaningful and healthy connections with God and others?

Compassion (and Self-Compassion)

While David and his men resided in the Cave of Adullam, we are told he “became a captain over them.” (1 Samuel 22:2). This word means a keeper, governor, or steward. This act of care and leadership is totally unexpected from a man mired in distress. Why not fan the flames of a pity party, protect oneself, and revel in spite, sadness, and sedition? Instead, David offers a large dose of compassion to these fellow cavers. Compassion means “to suffer with.” It is a social feeling that motivates us to go out of our way to relieve the physical, mental, or emotional pains of others or ourselves. David demonstrates this in the cave when he generously shares his care, thoughtfulness, empathy, and love for others who were struggling, so that they could all emerge from the gloom of the cave. The strength of this compassion is evident later when we learn the group expands to 600 and the miserable cave is renamed a “stronghold.” (1 Samuel 23:13; 1 Samuel 22:5). A glimpse of David’s compassion is also seen when he appeals “Let not those who hope in you be put to shame through me,” and “Let not those who seek you be brought to dishonour through me.” (Psalm 69:5-6 ESV). In other words, David didn’t want others to be ashamed because of his misdeeds. By focusing his energy and care on others, David moved up and out of the toxic shame spiral, rather than sinking further.

Self-compassion is also a healthy tool to work through guilt and shame. Dr. Kristin Neff says,

Self-compassion is the process of turning compassion inward. We are kind and understanding to ourselves rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, suffer, make mistakes, or feel inadequate.⁹

This idea does not mean we ignore our failures, but it means we love and treat ourselves the way we would treat a friend who is having a hard time, even if our friend really blew it, is feeling inadequate, or is just facing a tough life challenge. David’s self-compassion is evidenced in the Psalms by the absence of self-denigration, as we are prone to do when filled with guilt and shame. At no time do we see David (or God) saying, “You stupid idiot, you are so worthless and can’t do anything right.”

One of God’s “checks” to guilt and shame is a powerful form of compassion called “forgiveness.” If we are legitimately guilty or ashamed, we must remember that God loves us and can forgive us if we involve Him in the matter. David recognized and leaned on this in his life: “There is forgiveness with You that You may be feared.” (Psalm 130:4). When we face our night seasons, do we dig deep and practice compassion with self and others, just as God has offered compassion to us?

Course Correction

I love kayaking. Over the past few years, I have paddled over 1,800 km around Canada and the US. But I have never navigated any of my routes in a perfectly straight line! Kayaking requires constant course correction, adjusting your paddling and direction to counter wind, waves, obstacles, and wrong turns. Without it, you won’t reach your destination.

If guilt and shame are causing us pain, it is critical to self-reflect and evaluate their source. They may signal that we need to correct our course. We need to be honest with ourselves. Is our life aligned with the route God wants us to take? Is the root of our turmoil from choices that have disconnected us from God or others? Are guilt and shame spinning our boat around because our behavior is misaligned with God’s values? Perhaps it’s time to paddle in a slightly different direction, recalibrate our compass, or learn and practice new spiritual paddling skills. Or maybe we must courageously admit we took a wrong turn and take corrective action.

David directs us to this when he speaks of “Your righteousness,” “the book of the living,” “the righteous,” (Psalm 69:27-28), and “thy salvation” (Psalm 70:4 KJV). He recognizes that God is righteous and to be included in the book of the living, one must be righteous! It implies that if we have made mistakes or done shameful things, we need to correct our course and paddle towards being righteous. If we don’t, we won’t reach our desired haven, which is salvation. If we experience guilt and shame, we can’t just keep paddling the same way, or we will continue to spiral off course.

Obedience to God can be a key part of resolving our guilt and shame and is far more critical than just relying on His compassion. What direction is our boat headed?

Despising the Shame

As shared in the Psalms, David’s battles with guilt and shame remind us of another man confronted with guilt and shame. Take a closer look at some of the phrases David uses in Psalm 69: “For my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink,” (v. 21) and “my reproach, my shame, and my dishonour.” (v. 19). These verses (and the Psalm) are Messianic and were fulfilled as Jesus hung shamefully on the cross, thirsted, and was given sour wine (John 19:28-29).

Jesus had no personal reasons for guilt or shame. Yet, both were heaped on him in his final hours by false accusations, a multitude of abuses, and being hanged publicly while naked, bleeding, and beaten between two legitimate criminals. Shame stripped away every earthly support Jesus had, including his friends, reputation, decency, and comfort.

Did you notice the connection between Psalm 69:20-21 and Hebrews 12:1-2? These verses encourage us to “lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us.” (Hebrews 12:1). These weights include anything that may bring guilt and shame into our lives. He then inspires us to “fix our eyes on Jesus” (v. 2 NIV), who was the perfect example of this imperative, and thereby able to “endure the cross and despise its shame.”

These verses are motivating! Despite all the guilt and shame heaped on him, Jesus could put these aside and rise above them through his Father’s help. Like David, he practiced Courage, Connection, Compassion, and Course Correction to navigate these challenges. Although he was not worthy of guilt and shame, he can still sympathize with the night seasons we endure because of his experiences in life and on the cross. Through this act, we hope to deal with the shame and guilt that we endure or bring on ourselves. By recalling the shame that Jesus endured, and the joy set before us, we will “not grow weary and lose heart.” (v. 3 NIV).

Nathan Badger,
Cambridge Ecclesia, ON

 

1. This is the fourth article on ‘Psalms for the Night Seasons’, with the previous being published in March and August of 2023, and October of 2024.
2. All Scriptural citations are taken from the New King James Version, unless specifically noted.
3. Brown, Brene. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York: Avery, 2012. Chapter 3.
4. Brown, Brene. “Shame vs. Guilt.” BreneBrown.com. Published January 15, 2013. brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt/
5. Rufus, S. “Causes of Shame.” The Mind Journal. Published June 7, 2022. themindsjournal.com/causes-of-shame/
6. Brown, Brene. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Minnesota: Hazelden Publishing, 2010. Page 12.
7. Brown, Brene. “The Power of Vulnerability.” TEDx Houston. June 2010. ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability
8. Brown, Brene. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Minnesota: Hazelden Publishing, 2010. Page 21.
9. Neff, Kristen. Self-Compassion. New York: Harper Collins, 2011.