Shepherding Our Children in Challenging Circumstances: Part 2
For those walking the quiet heartbreak of raising children with a spouse opposed to faith, this article offers wisdom, Scripture, and hope grounded in patience, prayer, and example.
Read Time: 7 minutes
Previously, we addressed raising our children with a spouse who was not interested in God and the Bible, maybe had walked away from the Truth, but was not adverse to our shepherding our children towards God. This month, I would like to tackle a much more challenging task: the situation where the spouse not only has no interest in God but also does not want Him mentioned in the home. This is the kind of situation where the spouse rejects prayers, Bible readings, and attending church with the children. Some of us have experienced this trial and heartache, and I can only imagine the struggle this would be for the believing brother or sister. There is no greater desire for a man or a woman of God than to see their spouse and their children come to know God and His truth in the Bible.
Some Key Ideas
So, the obvious first thing we do is pray to our Heavenly Father to help us find ways to bring Him to the children, our homes, and, God willing, to our spouses. We also need to pray that He will open our spouses’ minds to learning about Him, and that our children’s hearts, along with their parents’ hearts, will be softened towards Him.
Second, in 1 Peter 3:1-2 (ESV), Peter writes, “Likewise, wives be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” He doesn’t say that you will definitely win them over, but what an opportunity to use your example to live out the gospel in your home before your spouse and your children! If we are living with this challenge in our home, then Peter has excellent advice for us to develop a positive relationship with our spouse. We are also being a great example to our children about the importance of having a loving relationship with our partners.
The third step is to have an open discussion with our partner about our desire to incorporate God into the home and teach the children. This conversation may be tough, depending on their attitude towards God, but it needs to be attempted with a gentle, loving spirit. Perhaps you know someone who has had to deal with this. Reach out to them for their advice and suggestions as to what did or did not work. We also need to look at the individual’s personality and adjust our approach accordingly. There may also have been issues during their upbringing that turned them away from God. I know my husband, who at age 12 lost his only brother due to a lightning strike, struggled with belief in God for many years. How could a loving God do this to him? It took years for him to accept God and His plans for our lives.
How?
Perhaps the person was raised in a home where there was no belief in God—a home where there was never mention of Him, and if someone did bring God up, the response was one of total disbelief and disregard. Or, as is often the case in these times, perhaps their family didn’t attend church very frequently, maybe just for special occasions, such as Christmas or Easter, christenings, or funerals, but not every Sunday. Church-going just isn’t important to many nowadays, and people genuinely believe that if they live a good and decent life, they will be rewarded at their death.
Nor do most people read their Bibles. But if our spouse and our children see us doing that—without our acting righteous about it—questions may arise that we can gently and lovingly respond to. Without pontificating, giving simple, to-the-point, and straightforward answers may instigate more conversation. As Peter stated, our conduct can have a positive impact. Perhaps like the story of a sister who had a husband who did not allow his wife to bring their children to Memorial Service or Sunday School for years. She quietly came every Sunday, and eventually, when the children were in their teens, he relented and allowed them to join her. She did not push him to read the Bible or discuss it with him at home. He did not want that. Then, several years later, he started attending with the family and was eventually baptized. What an example of quiet perseverance and answers to her prayers!
These instances will take time and gentle patience to overcome when the spouse does not want God to be a part of the teaching in the home. We would also not wish our children to see and hear their negative attitude and remarks about God because it could affect their ability to accept Him. “If my dad or mom doesn’t believe, then maybe I shouldn’t either,” would be a tough attitude for us to deal with. We should also avoid belittling our spouse in front of them.
Listen first, speak second. Ask your spouse about their own views, thoughts, and spiritual experiences. Listen without judgment or defensiveness to truly understand their perspective. People feel more valued and heard when they know they are being listened to. Think about what they have shared with you and take time to reflect on those feelings before answering. A feeling is a feeling and is neither good nor bad, but needs to be respected and understood before we react to it.
Our lives also need to reflect the fruit of the Spirit as Paul tells us in Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV). “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” If we reflect Christ’s character, we may encourage our spouse. If we act like the world, why would they think there is anything special about knowing God?
Ask engaging questions. Instead of making declarative statements, ask open-ended questions like, “What do you think happens after we die?” or “What do you think gives life?” Quietly listen and don’t debate the Bible answer unless they ask what the Bible says.
We are blessed to have many ecclesial activities that are more socially oriented, such as picnics, sports, hikes, and attending a baseball/basketball game. Invitations to join us on these types of outings might be a great way for them to meet and interact with all of us. It would be a way for them to see that we are just regular people who enjoy getting together for events and genuinely care about each other. We want them to see the value in our community and to want that same kind of connection. We are a very welcoming group, especially to those who are interested in knowing more about us. Experiences like this could lead them to join us for a Memorial Service, a Bible study, or perhaps listen to a faith-based podcast in our home.
Make it clear that if we extend an invitation to attend Memorial Service or a class with us, it is not a demand, and we respect their boundaries if they decline. If or when they ask what the class or exhortation was about, then answer simply and lovingly without preaching. Guide them gently to God’s love and plan to have all mankind be part of His Kingdom.
There are ways to introduce our children to God gently, without coming across as overly pointed. For instance, if we are reading a book with them and there is a loving part, we could say things like, “This is how the Bible teaches us to act.” Or, “This reminds me of a story about…” any Bible character we can think of. We don’t have to say, “In Genesis 37, we read about a young man named Joseph.” Perhaps say, “I know this story about a young man named Joseph.” Children love stories, and the Bible is full of fascinating ones. When we do that, we are instilling God’s words and stories in their minds, and if we are eventually able to bring them to Memorial Service or Sunday School, they will remember those stories. I know this process sounds difficult, but we also have to respect our partners in our homes. Even people in the world acknowledge that much of the Bible contains powerful and useful advice for life—we can use that to our advantage.
We can discuss this kind of thing with our spouse. “Would you object to me telling them about Joseph? He experienced a similar situation, and I think the story could help our son.”
Biblical Examples
Looking to the examples we do have of children who learned about God and turned their lives to Him over time can be helpful. We know the stories of the Kings of Judah who were evil but had faithful sons. Good kings in the Bible who had wicked fathers include Hezekiah, whose father, King Ahaz, was exceptionally evil, and Josiah, the son of King Amon, who inherited his father’s wicked ways before Josiah’s reign. Both Hezekiah and Josiah made radical choices to follow God’s path rather than their fathers’ destructive ones, demonstrating that individuals are not necessarily destined to follow their ancestors’ examples. I am not saying our spouse is an evil, destructive person like them, but the fact that these kings and others had children who did come to accept God can be a comforting example to us. We can bring our children to God, and since He would want that, He will help provide a way for them.
Conclusion
Ultimately, that brings us back to our first point. Pray. Remember that He who has promised will deliver:
For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13 NIV).
Regarding Abraham’s faith:
He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God; and being fully persuaded that, what he had promised, he was able also to perform. (Romans 4:20-21 KJV).
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 KJV).
We are blessed to know that God hears us. His answer may not come as quickly as we would like. It may take years—or it may not be the answer we expected or hoped for; however, we must have faith that He is with us in all ways, and we must trust Him in this as well.
Finally, these loving words from Paul remind us that even in difficult circumstances like this, we can still answer gently, knowing that God is the one who grants repentance:
And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will. (2 Timothy 2:24-26 NKJV).
Linda Beckerson,
Ann Arbor Ecclesia, MI