Suffering the Death of a Spouse

Our lives as we walk toward God's Kingdom are rarely free from trials of some sort, and the death of a spouse is one of the hardest and most painful trials of all.

I received an urgent call early Monday morning not to leave for work because some dear friends were on their way over. I was initially a little perplexed because the timing was bad, and it would make me late for work. But then I started to feel that deep uneasiness, that gripping fear that starts somewhere in the pit of your stomach. This request was unusual, and something must have been wrong! I did a quick mental check of our family. Where was everybody?

That week in August, we were spread everywhere. James, our youngest (15), was safely asleep in bed, Luke (19) was at the Manitoulin Youth Conference, having just arrived from the UK. Josh (20) had left at 5 am that morning on the four-hour drive to San Francisco for a summer work job. Chris, my beloved husband of 23 years, was in Jamaica on a two-week Bible Mission trip. I was soon to learn the tragic and devastating news that at age 51, he had suffered a heart attack in Jamaica and died. Overnight, I had become a widow, a single parent, and a whole lot more besides, and from that moment on, our lives were completely turned upside down and would never be the same again. 

Our lives as we walk toward God’s Kingdom are rarely free from trials of some sort, and the death of a spouse is one of the hardest and most painful trials of all. We know that death is an inevitable part of living. James 4:14 tells us, “For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.”  We know this in theory, but it is almost impossible to be prepared to lose a precious life. 

In some cases, death occurs after a long and painful illness, with much suffering for the patient and the family. In other cases, it was a tragic or unexpected shock. Whatever the circumstances, we are left reeling, facing the daunting task of reorganizing our lives and adapting to the massive changes.

As the months and years go by, you will never ever stop missing that person, but sadness will gradually mingle with joy as we treasure, remember, and celebrate all they were. Memories become part of our ongoing lives as we live in hope and anticipation of the promise of eternal life (1 John 2:25).

Grieving Is a Process

Grieving the loss of a loved one is a process that one must work through and embrace as we “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” (Psalm 23:4). Many people react in quite diverse ways, and grieving stages do not have a schedule or timetable. 

As the days go by after the initial huge shock, we gradually realize the full impact of the loss. We can become unstable, including feelings of desperate grief, panic attacks, fear, dread, and anger. This huge event overshadows everything else, and we sometimes feel we are losing our faith and trust in God. There are often feelings of guilt as we wonder if we contributed to the death or did not do enough to prevent it somehow. There are often many regrets and “if onlys” and so many unanswered questions. Nothing else seems to matter anymore; everything is measured from that event. Behavior can become rash and sporadic, disorganized, anxious, and unsettled. Unfortunately, many essential decisions must be made during this time, and it is not easy to be rational and wise. 

But we must allow the pain we feel and share those emotions and tears as it eventually leads to healing. We sorrow much because we loved much. If we do not “work through” these feelings and emotions, we can become frozen in grief or angry about our situation, much like Naomi was when she returned to Israel from Moab.

Though this is understandable, we do not honor the dead by almost dying with them in this way. We need to watch for illness and depression that can come on from unresolved feelings of guilt or bitterness. It helps to keep communicating with others who have suffered similarly before, and they can often give wise counsel. Eventually, we can take what we have learned from this painful experience and reach out to others who are suffering in a similar way. It is wise not to swing too quickly into a new relationship, as your emotions are very vulnerable and not always to be trusted.

Although people try, no one can truly understand our specific loss and pain. We can feel completely abandoned by God and man and in deep despair. We feel so alone and isolated, and at these times, it may help to pour out our hearts and souls by writing our feelings and thoughts in a journal. David poured out his deep personal feelings so beautifully in the Psalms, and they come alive as we read them over and over and find similar feelings and expressions that speak to us. 

But God has promised He will never give us more than we can bear, and He will never leave or forsake us. The death of his saints is precious in His sight (Psalm 116:15). The God who loves us and brings these things upon us is our refuge and strength in times of trouble. We know that “all things work together for good to them that love God.” (Romans 8:28) And we also know that we “can do all things through Christ which strengthens [us].” (Philippians 4:13 NKJV).

Our God is the “God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NKJV), and from His holy hill He hears those desperate prayers on our knees when we feel we just cannot go on. He gives strength from above and helps us to accomplish things we never thought possible before. “My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.” (Psalm 73:26).

There are many different strength words, but strength in this verse is the word tsur, which means a sharp rock. We can become as strong and solid as a rock when God becomes our strength. (Psalm 46:1).

The LORD Chastens Those He Loves

We don’t make light of the discipline of the LORD and don’t lose heart as the Lord chastens those He loves. As hard as it is to do this, we rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character hope (1 Peter 1:7). In the end, we can say along with David, “It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes. I know, O LORD, that thy judgments are right, and that thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me.” (Psalm 119:71, 75).

Our family, our friends, and our Christadelphian community are wonderfully caring and supportive during times of trouble. Those who have lost loved ones will always be grateful for the amazing love, compassion and support that is shown. 

The knowledge that the collective love and caring of brothers and sisters all over the world are praying for you and your family is a huge source of comfort and strength.

Patient listening ears are extremely helpful as we share our grief. Our tears are a sign of the great love we felt, and if we do not allow ourselves or others to mourn after loss, it can become difficult to embrace the changes and work towards healing. We need to tell our stories repeatedly as daily we grapple with the enormity of the loss and what it means to us. 

But sometimes, in trying to help grieving families, we can seem to minimize this tragedy in their lives by discounting the present hurt and pain with a reminder that they will see their loved one in the Kingdom. The hope of resurrection and the promise of the coming Kingdom do give us wonderful comfort, and we don’t sorrow as others. In fact, the dreams and anticipation of being there with the Lord and meeting our loved ones again on the resurrection morning give us amazing hope and help us sleep at night.

However, those assisting the bereft must be careful to remember that our hope for the future does not take away the tremendous sorrow and struggle of living without the deceased every moment of everyday life now. Jacob, spoken to by the LORD Himself, was given extraordinary promises for the future and an absolute certainty he would see his loved ones again. Still, Scripture often mentions how he grieved intensely for Rachel and Joseph. Grieving families or individuals will need our patience and ongoing utmost tender love and care, as it can take many years to adjust.

You cannot take away the pain and loneliness, but there are simple things you can do that are immensely helpful. Remember, “Love is kind,” and it is not hard to think of kind things to do. I will never forget the wonderful brother who arrived at my door one day with a load of wood for our fire when winter was coming or the thoughtful invitations to dinner occasionally.

Cards, letters, emails, and texts with words of consolation and sympathy and a thought of something you miss or still remember about the deceased can be sent and retold for years to come. Brothers and sisters can help by sharing Bible readings now and then or even on a regular schedule if needed. Give special attention to holiday times and special events, as these can be a very painful time of renewing sadness. 

There are times of deep despair when we just cannot seem to pray, yet we know it is an amazing source of help. Offer to sit and pray with the family or individual, or let them know that many are praying. 

Think about your own skills and see if they could be helpful in some way. Offer to take over one of the tasks done by the deceased regularly. It can be overwhelming in the loss of a spouse with children or teenagers for the remaining parent to manage everything alone. The whole family structure changes with the loss of a family member, and the feelings and sense of family are badly shaken. 

In conversations, avoid minimizing the loss by using the “at least list.”  Some might say, “At least he or she did not suffer,” or “At least you have your children,” or “At least you had a happy marriage,” or “At least you had them as long as you did.” All these things are true, and those grieving tell themselves these things day after day, but it does not take away the pain and agony of missing today! 

Many get uncomfortable and apologize when they bring up the deceased’s name, and it brings tears. They quickly want to change the subject and get onto brighter things. The true meaning of sympathy is to share your feelings or identify with another. The only way this can be done is to sit with them and listen, and probably cry with them.

Encourage the person to talk about the loved one if they can and encourage and share a memory. Just bring them up naturally in conversation, and do not feel awkward when they are mentioned. Simply say, “I’m sorry,” and share a hug when the tears come. Mentioning something people remember about my husband is a beautiful gift they can give me.

Time is a great healer, and we finally reach a resolved mindset when we begin to integrate the loss into our lives, pick up the threads and begin again. Naomi’s bitterness was turned to joy and gladness when Obed was born to Ruth and Boaz. “And he will renew your life and shall sustain you in your old age.” (Ruth 4:15 NIV).

We regain a sense of purpose and reason, and a more balanced view is gradually restored. Our hearts will always ache to have them back, and we will always long for what should have been. But we become more accepting that we are not betraying the deceased by going on. We are not leaving them behind, but rather, we are taking them with us in our hearts. We can find joy in the memories of when they were with us and treasure the gifts they left with us. How you courageously live without them is an honor to their memory. It is what they would have wanted.

God Shall Wipe Away All Tears from Our Eyes

We have looked at many of the struggles and trials in the loss of a loved one, and now our hearts turn to our dear Lord Jesus Christ. He suffered the greatest and ultimate loss, that of life itself so that we might live. He is our redeemer and friend, who knows our hearts, feelings, and pain. He will never leave us or forsake us. Our daily prayer is that God will give us strength like a rock to turn to him with brave endurance in our grief and sorrow. May we all say, like Job, “The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away: blessed be the name of the LORD.” (Job 1:21). 

The joy of the Kingdom and life everlasting is set before us. At the conclusion of the Millennial Age, we can be assured, 

Even so, come, Lord Jesus!

Shirley Barratt Vaughn,
Simi Hills Ecclesia, CA