Surviving as a Single Mom

My faith definitely got me through the difficulty, with God directing me.

My marriage was in crisis soon after our child was born. We had been married for about seven years by then. My husband was not part of the Christadelphian community, nor had he practiced religion as an adult. His drinking increased gradually over the years, but now he had developed into a full-blown alcoholic and resented me for staying home to care for our newborn. He wanted me to go back to work, though our house was paid for, and we had plenty of money in the bank.

Originally, when I got pregnant, the plan was to return to work after two years, so rehiring was still possible. Very early on, my husband continuously started conversations with, “When you go back to work,” or “When are you going back to work?” He was fearful I was going to want to be home permanently. Finally, one day, I got the courage to say aloud that I wanted to stay home to raise our child. But that only made things worse. There was no amount of talking that would make him understand or feel different. He resented me to the point of hatred.

The next seven years were filled with trials, hurt, and challenges. I firmly believed divorce was not an option for me. I held on to the hope that if he could just stop drinking, things would work out. During that time, his drinking got to the point where it affected his work, and to keep his job, he went to rehab. He went to rehab four times during those seven years, the last time because he was ready for a change. He had decided he was done with me and needed to be sober to divorce me.

Those years were not good times in my life, but they were profitable for significant spiritual growth, for which I am very grateful. I knew God was using this situation for good, and I only needed to obey and trust Him. 

Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4).1

It was a long haul, and I didn’t know how things would end, but I developed patience and learned not to take things into my own hands to feel better. ”Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

God’s timing was perfect. It allowed me to go through all stages of grief and leave the way of escape to Him. I had no guilt or wondered if I did the right thing. My husband and I were married for a total of fourteen years. The first seven were fairly normal, with occasional isolated incidents of him getting drunk, but the last seven were extremely difficult, as my alcoholic husband disliked me intensely and tried everything in his power to manipulate me to his advantage.

In the end, I sheepishly compared it to the famine in Egypt during the time of Joseph, with seven years of plenty and seven years of famine (Genesis 41: 29-31). My faith definitely got me through the difficulty, with God directing me to support groups that educated and provided tools for learning to live with an alcoholic, as well as giving friends in the Truth to share life with. Even amid that trial, I learned to enjoy life despite my circumstances. But new challenges were ahead: now I was divorced with a child to raise.

Newly Divorced with a Small Child

My priority was my child. I now had to work to support us, but through God’s grace, I found part-time work at a hospital, which allowed me to get by financially while spending as much time raising my child as possible. Of course, divorce has devastating effects on children, and mine was no exception. I recognized some manifestations of OCD and abandonment issues around their eight years of age and knew we needed help.

The Christadelphian community was not equipped to understand, deal with, or provide help and support in this kind of situation. Though we have come a long way, there is definitely room for growth on these issues. Consequently, I contacted a Christian counseling organization in a nearby town that based its counseling on using Scripture and Biblical principles. I would caution others that not all Christian organizations base their approach similarly.

After a couple of sessions, things seemed to resolve, at least until the teenage years when OCD resurfaced along with severe depression symptoms. I immediately restarted the counseling sessions and utilized other tools and resources to help my child through this time of life. My child has now been married in the Truth and their children are now baptized and also invested in God’s family. God is good, and I am blessed beyond most.

Lessons Learned, How Others Can Help, and Disclaimers:

I chose to submit this article anonymously to respect my child’s privacy. My goal has been to honestly share this season of my life and describe events as they really were. However, this is my viewpoint, and I cannot truly know for certain what was in the hearts and minds of those involved.

My divorce was decades ago, and social norms and pressures were different than they are today. However, even though there are countless scenarios and circumstances for people who find themselves facing divorce and raising children in the Truth, God’s principles are timeless and will work for you. Current societal pressures, particularly for our children, are exceptionally difficult, and it is up to you to be the spiritual leader in your household, knowing that raising your children to be a part of God’s family is your number one priority.

As their role model, you must be a consistent example of living your Faith. Some obvious ways are to consistently attend Sunday School and Memorial Service, read the Bible daily and make it a family priority, pray, and provide every opportunity to be with those of like faith. Go with your children to Bible Schools. Teach Sunday School. Look for friends in the Truth with whom you can seek advice, have fun, and share your children: “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17).

Be careful not to speak badly of the other parent, include children in adult conversations beyond their maturity level, or treat your children like emotional confidants. Children naturally and almost always feel that somehow, they were responsible for the divorce, even if they do not tell you. Tell them that they are not accountable. Check in on their feelings and model how to process emotions healthily. Get professional Bible-based counseling if you detect a need. And be kind to yourself, as fear is normal and mistakes will happen.

Also, recognize that you will be vulnerable, especially regarding your own wants and desires. May I say, do not project into the future about things that may or may not happen! You may naturally be vulnerable about wondering if you will ever find love or a partner again. My understanding of Scripture was that it was not an option. For those who choose otherwise to remarry, beware that going in that direction will have its own complications.

Brothers and sisters need to show grace and compassion. I believe Paul’s advice about being happier by remaining single has proven true for me, although he is particularly addressing remarriage after the death of a spouse: “If the husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. But in my judgment she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I have the Spirit of God.” (1 Corinthians 7:39-40). This whole chapter on marriage is worth revisiting.

In time, be willing to share your mistakes and successes and be there for others who may find themselves in a similar situation. Many brothers and sisters have no idea why or what happened in your life that you are now single with children. Maybe they don’t ask you because they do not want to bring up a subject that might make you feel uncomfortable, or they do not want to appear nosy. One way to feel closer is by sharing your experiences, but it is hard to bring up those times without a reason to do so. I have never regretted sharing when asked.

Occasionally, you may feel a bit left out or out of place between married couples and the young singles. Don’t take it personally, and don’t assume you are being judged. You can ask people over at your house! For me, I also focused on older members in the ecclesia, spent time with family, and even did some volunteer work. Learn to practice gratitude. There is always someone worse off than you.

To those looking for ways to show care to single parents in the ecclesia, consider occasionally inviting them to share in your family’s activities. Sometimes, an offer to help financially may be incredibly relevant and helpful. On one occasion, when I was looking for a used car, an older married brother and sister insisted that I buy a new car, and they provided a no-interest loan so I could do so. It was totally unexpected, yet so appreciated.

Later in life, I bought a used car from a brother, again with no interest! More than once, I received an anonymous money gift in the mail, which really helped me, although I would have liked to have thanked them personally. Another way to help is to ask if something needs to be repaired, offer to get a mower ready for the season, or just help with a task everyone needs to do to maintain a home. To help divorced brothers, offer to babysit the kids, provide a meal, or get a group of sisters together to help clean the house. It is hard to ask for help, but I have found that most people want to be helpful.

One of many inspiring Scriptures to me was that given first by Moses when he spoke to the nation and then to Joshua: 

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. (Deuteronomy 31:6 KJV). 

This instruction was later referenced by David in his charge to Solomon in 1 Chronicles 28:20 and again by the writer of the Hebrews, who said, 

For he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee so that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me. (Hebrews 13:5-6 KJV). 

What a gift to have the Scriptures at our fingertips, particularly in seasons of trial!

We all will go through trials that can reveal who we actually are and help us grow into better people. I’ve learned that growth in life is a process, and God loves us enough to work around our choices in life. Sometimes he presents circumstances to exercise our minds or help us learn patience, humility, compassion, forgiveness, and love. So do not lose heart. 

For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
(2 Corinthians 4:1, 18).

A Sister