Grandparent Outreach Challenge

Even when faith seems distant, grandparents can be a steady, loving light guiding their grandchildren toward God’s grace.

Being a grandparent is a unique and rewarding stage of life, offering opportunities for love, connection, and shared experiences with our grandchildren. It often involves a balance of guidance, support, and creating cherished memories. Grandparents are caregivers, teachers, and playmates, offering a distinct role in a child’s life. We often feel a deep and unconditional love for them, which can be more relaxed because we don’t have the daily parenting responsibilities.

There are also times when we are challenged as grandparents when our children have paused their relationship with God for various reasons. They may not wish us to have conversations with them about their reasons or with their children. This circumstance can be a tough time for our faith. We do our best to cope with the why and how this happened.

Recently, the Tidings surveyed a broad group of grandparents struggling with their children and grandchildren currently outside our faith community. A focus group discussion followed the survey. They shared several critical reflections and learnings. Guilt, disappointment, sadness, and thoughts about overcoming these challenges were often mentioned. We are very grateful to them for their willingness to share those experiences and wisdom with us. 

Children Who Have Left

One central theme and frustration was that when their children have stepped away from the Truth, this situation has a profound impact on the ability of grandparents to influence their grandchildren. The reasons children left were varied—from feeling left out as they grew up attending memorial service and CYC, to not perceiving themselves as part of the community with their peers. This issue was perhaps related to having no one else their age at CYC or meeting. Social ostracism can be very debilitating to the individual. Our children may look elsewhere to find places to be included and feel accepted. This occurrence was not rare, and should be dealt with in the ecclesia or CYC by the counsellors to ensure that every child who attends does feel loved and welcomed and a part of the community—teaching them Jesus’ command to “love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:39).¹

Another reason for leaving the community involved families moving to an area without a local ecclesia, then slowly drifting away from our community, and/or having God in their lives at all. Others joined local churches where they felt they had some relationship with God. Both of these scenarios presented some difficult conversations for both parties. 

A few noted that their children had endured a significant “trauma” during their teen or early adult years. This experience may have shaken their faith and caused them to seek solace elsewhere. 

We also discussed the challenges of interacting with other Christian groups—perhaps with homeschooling opportunities outside our community. Despite knowing there would be doctrinal differences, over time, some grew to feel connected to that community, feeling loved and included. Perhaps this raises the question of developing more homeschooling opportunities within our ecclesias? 

Some related to dating outside the Truth with a partner unwilling to join Christadelphia, or perhaps any church. Over time, the child also left. The Apostle Paul cited this issue nearly two millennia ago, setting the marital standard of being equally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14). 

Influence on Grandchildren

Some of these reasons led to grandchildren not being raised in Christadelphia. As the grandchildren grew up, they were often discouraged from learning about the beliefs and faith of their grandparents. A few focus group members said they had frequent contact with their grandchildren. However, some were now living far away, enabling visits to only happen once or twice a year. FaceTime was a huge help, but still not the same as having close personal contact with the grandchildren. Infrequent connections increased the difficulty of declaring the goodness of God to a new generation (Psalm 78:5-6). 

Guilt was a common initial reaction within the grandparenting group. It made them wonder what they might have done differently and what they might say to their children that could potentially reverse the situation. “Did we not teach our children properly?” Insensitive comments from brothers and sisters sometimes exacerbated this sorrow. Comments like “What did you do wrong so that I can avoid it?” Or even suggesting that the parents would have to answer at the Judgment Seat because their children had left the Truth! However, over time, the parents surveyed all recognized that guilt is unhelpful and does not acknowledge that the LORD God is in control. We can do all the “right things” in raising our children, but still, our children can walk away. The Bible is replete with examples of faithful men and women whose children rejected the ways of God. At some point, it becomes their journey, and we need to trust that situations happen for a reason, and God is still working with all of us. 

The Parable of the Prodigal Son was cited often as a vision of hope by the grandparents. The father had one son who was unfaithful and left the father’s home. He wandered off and lived a wild and certainly not Christlike life. How difficult it would have been for the father to watch his son leave. But he did watch every day, waiting for his son to realize the error of his ways and come home. We aren’t told, but I am sure he was praying every day, all the time. God answered his prayers, and the son returned. It is the hope and prayer of any of us with children who have walked away. If God can perform that change of heart with this son, He can certainly do it with our family members, too. 

Spiritual Contact With Grandchildren

Discussion also revolved around being in touch with the grandchildren, even over long distances. A common idea was that the grandparents needed to be open, welcoming, loving, supportive, and examples of Christ-like behavior. Others cited the need to respect the voiced wishes of the parents regarding the grandchildren. When the grandchildren did visit, many said they read books about Bible stories (as the parents permitted this activity). They tried to teach the good examples of behavior that could reflect God’s character. Some could take the grandchildren with them to Sunday School and the Memorial Service. They made sure to pray to God for meals or special occasions.

Some grandparents were pleased to be able to bring their grandchildren to Bible School. It was mentioned that younger children are uninhibited, honest, and inquisitive, and it is so important to be a safe grandparent, making them feel loved and chosen. This practice is so essential for us as grandparents to develop and have that “safe place” role for these children. 

All acknowledged that the adult children—despite their upbringing in the Truth—make their own decisions about continuing with the Truth. Praying without ceasing is called for their children’s hearts to be opened. It was important to note that none of those surveyed had chosen an adversarial relationship with their children. They don’t push their children or continually badger them about their beliefs. They all had had discussions with their children about why they had decided to leave, and unless the child brought it up, they did not push the issue. 

Some were also distraught because the children didn’t have God in their lives at all, and therefore, they were not allowed to talk to the grandchildren about Him. This situation left them feeling helpless, so that they would not be able to make any impact. They felt that constant prayer was a vital part of handling these feelings.

The Grace of God

One positive comment was that when Christ returns and the Kingdom is set up, perhaps these grandchildren could continue as mortals in the Kingdom, learning and accepting Him there. This thought emphasizes that in whatever way we can plant spiritual seeds with our grandchildren, we must do so lovingly and gently. Grandparents may be the only view our grandchildren have of the power of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Summary Thoughts

We must approach our children respectfully, not arguing with them or trying to manipulate them. We should focus on understanding their perspective. Ask nonjudgmental questions, such as, “Can you explain your feelings/reasons to me?” Then, acknowledge their feelings, which is far from agreeing with them. This can help them feel you are listening and trying to understand—which hopefully you are doing.

Maintain a healthy relationship with the children and grandchildren, developing your relationship as “safe.” Acknowledge their perspective and make them feel understood, without animosity, which might limit any opportunity to influence the future. Make sure the grandchildren feel secure chatting with you. Know when it turns into a negative conversation so that you can respond positively to them. We should not try to control them. This will only lead to negative reactions. We must maintain and support our relationship with them, and with time, God willing, their faith may return.

What Can We Do?

We also need to acknowledge our own feelings. We are hurt, confused and angry. Give ourselves time to process our emotions so we don’t use those initial feelings in early and often emotional communications that can sour the relationship for years.

We also need to stay strong in our faith. All surveyed grandparents noted they have come closer to God and pray fervently for their children and grandchildren. 

One important suggestion for ecclesias is their support of grandparents whose children have left the Truth. Almost all of those surveyed felt this had been a private journey for them. There was some acknowledgement by ecclesial members of the situation, but there was an absence of resources and unique care. There was a stated need for support at an ecclesial level, and even across the community for those dealing with this situation. A professional Bible-based counsellor could be found to guide those on this path. There could be good value in creating more resources across Christadelphia for this need. 

Ecclesias can significantly help, but so can our children’s friends in the community. They may be uniquely positioned to reach out to young adults who have left, letting them know they are missed. A word from a peer can be very encouraging, letting them know they are valued and loved. 

One sister related how she reaches out on every special occasion to young people who are no longer attending, when they experience loss in their family, and other events significant to them, to make them feel loved and respected. A different survey was done about young people not feeling included by the older brothers and sisters, that they were not considered important, and how they wished the older brothers and sisters would interact with them. This is a crucial ecclesial responsibility for us as grandparents, not only to our families and grandchildren, but to all the young people in our ecclesias. It goes both ways, too. As the older generation, we will feel included and loved as we develop those relationships with young people.

Finally, I truly loved this ultimate example of reaching out to our grandchildren who may be struggling with this issue. Shortly before he fell asleep in Christ, a grandfather wrote a beautiful letter to his grandchildren about his love for them, telling them about God. He wrote with sound counsel about finding God and putting Him in their lives. It was gentle and moving. He specified that the letters be held until their eighteenth birthdays, when they are mature and can make more decisions for themselves. In the meantime, grandma is staying the course and setting an example in their daily lives for them to see. This undertaking may be the most important thing we can do, and it came up repeatedly in our discussion. Be a gentle example, a safe place. Ensure grandchildren know our love for God and His Son, and the truth we believe in. For with God, “all things are possible.” (Mark 10:27).

Linda Beckerson,
Ann Arbor Ecclesia, MI